Unwinnable Page 7

  I grabbed his belt in one hand, jerking his waist toward me.

  “Stop messing around, Rafe,” I told him. “You can go back to your games tomorrow. Maybe I secretly like them as much as you do, but right now, I’d appreciate it if you fucked me senseless in your childhood bedroom.”

  He let out a surprised laugh, then he studied me with heat in his eyes right before his lips crashed into mine again.

  As he kissed me, his hand slid between my thighs, and his thumb caressing my core even through my panties made me moan against his lips. He hooked his finger under the waistband of my panties, dragging them down, and my hips rose, eager to help them off.

  I reached for his belt buckle again as he rolled my panties down my thighs, and they tangled around my calves as I reached for him. His fingers overlapped mine, the two of us both urgently working on his belt, his button, his fly. The two of us together probably made the process significantly less efficient. I felt an ache like a constant, throbbing pressure, as if it hurt not to have Rafe inside me.

  Then his suit trousers were loose around his hips, his belt hanging slack, and I reached for him. His cock was thick in my hand, a satisfying weight, and I pressed him urgently between my thighs.

  “You’re so wet for me,” he murmured, his gaze meeting mine.

  “For the last several months,” I said dryly, and he laughed before his lips met mine again.

  His cock teased between my thighs as his lips devoured mine, and my hands swept up his shoulders, clinging to him as if he might escape.

  He rolled onto his back suddenly, his cock rising hard and erect between that buttoned-up shirt and his trousers. He crooked a finger at me. “Get on top of me in that ridiculous dress, Maddie. You look like you’re going to tea with the Queen.”

  “I’d be more likely to dress up for your cock than for the queen,” I teased him.

  His lips parted to say something, but those words were lost as I suddenly wrapped my mouth around his cock. His hips jerked faintly, just once—oh, Rafe had his own needs, as tightly as he kept them under wraps—and then he watched me, his eyes crinkling at the corners, as I worked my way up and down his cock.

  The ache still throbbed between my thighs, but it felt so good to want him right now too as I pleased him, to watch his face go from that cool, controlled expression of his to his eyes widening, his head lifting off the pillow, then falling back. Having Rafe surrender control to me was delicious.

  His hips jerked, and he bit down hard on his lower lip, as if he was wrenching back his orgasm by force of will.

  “Get up here,” he growled, grabbing my arms and yanking me toward him.

  My lips met his, my hair swinging around the two of us. His cock teased between my thighs, but I didn’t hesitate. I grabbed his cock and pressed it against my center. Then I pressed myself down, pushing his cock deep inside me, and both of us gasped at the sense of him filling me suddenly and completely.

  He grabbed my hips, pushing me up his cock, his gaze still locked on mine. When his cock left my channel, I almost gasped at the sense of how big he had been, how much he had filled me, as his tip teased against my clit. But he was already pulling me back down, sheathing himself fully in me. I picked up his cadence, and the two of us began to move together.

  Bam. The force of our movement as our bodies came together fully drove the headboard against the wall, and my eyes widened. But there was no stopping us now. I rose onto my knees again, the sensation of his tip teasing between my thigh addictive when I knew I could have his cock again. Bam.

  Rafe’s twin bed was rocking, and the ridiculous ship’s wheel mounted against the wall fluttered and then slammed into the wall, over and over. The sound of our bodies moving together, our panting and murmurs, the rhythm of the bed slamming into the wall, it all formed a fierce cadence like music that took me over.

  As I lost myself in that rhythm, the rest of the world fell away. Heat tingled across my skin, but it was Rafe’s gaze that seemed to burn deep into my soul. His hands tightened on my hips, his thighs tensing. I felt his every finger against the curve of my ass, his touch searingly hot.

  My head was suddenly light as the heat tingling through my body pooled at my core, but Rafe was still working me up and down his shaft, his powerful arms straining slightly with the movement. His face was intense, as if he were holding back his orgasm too. I gasped as I began to tense around his cock, my body tightening and relaxing rhythmically around him.

  He let out a groan as if he couldn’t bear it anymore. He yanked me down onto his cock, and the two of us let out a roar together as he sheathed himself deeply in my pulsing channel. There was one final bam as the bed slammed against the wall.

  I let myself fall forward onto his hard chest, and he caught me with an arm around my waist, holding me closely as he emptied into me. The tingling sensation through my body was a river of sensation now, my orgasm bright and blinding as he held me tight against his body, his cock still buried deep inside me.

  He turned his head to press a kiss to my forehead, his cock still buried deep inside me. “Well. Was it worth the wait?”

  His cock was still twitching inside me, and phantom tremors of my orgasm raced through my body, my channel squeezing around his cock. I could have sighed with satisfaction, my limbs all heavy and languid, my body against Rafe’s.

  I couldn’t put any of that into words. So instead, I said, “Eh. It was okay.”

  He rewarded me with a skeptical look and a sharp slap across my ass, which just made me laugh. I tilted my face up to kiss his smoothly-shaved cheek, breathing in the faint scent of his spicy aftershave, although I knew Rafe wouldn’t mistake my kisses for contrition.

  Chapter Nine

  Rafe

  As soon as we emerged into the hall, Emmelie stepped into the hall from the stairs. My lips still tingled from the force of the kisses I’d traded with Maddie, even though she was properly dressed again, her hair neatly combed, as if nothing had ever happened. Only the pink glow that lingered in her cheeks and her bee-strung red lips gave away what we’d been doing—and also made her so gorgeous I wished I could push her right back into that room.

  Instead, I sighed under my breath before I faced Emmelie. “What are you doing up here? Again?”

  “Your mother asked me to fetch you two for the champagne,” she said. “I claimed you took Maddie on a tour of the grounds.”

  I didn’t have it in me to thank her. I knew she’d find a way to use it against me sooner or later anyway.

  Instead, I followed my ex-girlfriend as she flounced primly down the stairs. I offered Maddie my arm, and she took it, smiling faintly. I needed to touch her far more than she needed me to keep her balance—even in those heels, which made her long legs even more irresistible.

  I reached the bottom of the stairs to find everyone staring at me, their faces politely smiling but curious.

  My mother handed me a champagne flute. She had the frozen smile on her face that warned me not to embarrass her, a smile that looked as if it were etched in glass and could be shattered easily.

  “Speech, please,” she said. “All our friends and family who came from so far would love to hear from you.”

  “Of course,” I said. I squeezed Maddie’s arm then released her, and she hesitated for a second before she realized she should continue down the rest of the stairs. Her own smile was tentative, uncomfortable, and it made me ache—I never saw Maddie look so awkward. She was always real, but it was a vulnerability to be real when everyone else was fake.

  I raised my champagne glass and plunged on. The script almost played automatically for me; I knew what I was supposed to say. “First of all, thank you all so much for coming. It means so much to me. I’ve been away from home so long, and it’s good to be back… temporarily.”

  I smiled as the crowd clapped, and someone in the back—one of a handful of friends I’d had in my pack--shouted “Council’s Own!”

  “I’d like to thank my parents for thi
s amazing party,” I said, and they raised their glasses back to me. My father beamed. “And I’d like to thank my lovely date, Madeline Northsea.”

  I’d seen them all eying Maddie anyway with open curiosity and subtler hostility. My father’s eyes tightened at the corners, but he joined the rest of the crowd in looking at Maddie, who smiled back at everyone. The innocence shining out of her face—no matter how badass she was in any other fight—made me want to hustle her right out of this fancy snake pit.

  “Of course on a day like today, I can’t help but think about Michael and how I wish he was here too,” I said, and my mother’s smile now was stretched so tight it looked like she really was about to break. “My older brother would have been a natural for the Council’s Own. He taught me how to fight, how to never give up even when the odds seemed stacked—”

  For some reason, the memory rose of the little shelter I’d built in the forest when I couldn’t control the shift. The stick-and-tarp structure had shattered around me as I transformed. The memory of being cold and alone in the depth of winter blurred this party scene in front of me. My parents had been back here, celebrating Christmas without two of their children, still going through all the perfect motions: pressed napkins and lit candles and an untouchable tree.

  Suddenly, all I wanted was to get out of here. No one cared about anything I had to say that was genuine anyway, like my memories of Michael.

  “I wouldn’t be here without him,” I said.

  My mother wasn’t smiling anymore, but I proposed a toast to my parents and the crowd began to clap. My mother smiled, inclining her head toward the crowd, and my father beamed openly.

  Then I was down the stairs, melting into the crowd, smiling and shaking hands and making small talk, all in pursuit of the chance to break away for a few minutes. I needed some peace.

  Maddie touched my elbow, and when I turned and saw her face, the genuine warmth in her blue eyes, that same sense of peace I gained when I was alone in the forest bloomed in my chest. As the two of us stared at each other, the noise of a roomful of people who didn’t give a shit about me faded. It was just me and the woman I loved.

  Then Emmelie said, “Very nice speech, Rafe.”

  She shouldered herself in. I looked at her without smiling.

  “Emmelie, you didn’t need to tell Maddie my life story,” I said tightly. Maddie should know everything about me—it was time to remove the last division between the two of us—but it was my story to tell.

  No matter how much it embarrassed me.

  “Sorry.” My ex-girlfriend flashed me a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

  I wasn’t sure how I never noticed when we were dating that she had the same dead eyes as my mother. Maybe it took losing my brother and my place in this house to see the people around me for who they were, and not who I wished for them to be.

  Maddie’s lips pressed tightly together, her eyes sparking with worry.

  “I’m going to get a drink from the bar,” I told Maddie. “What would you like?”

  “Nothing, thank you,” Maddie said. “I think it’s hard enough for me to maintain my calm while I’m sober.”

  “Trust me, from experience, this is all much better if you’ve been drinking,” I told her, gesturing around the house. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  I headed to the bar set up on the deck, which overlooked the river that ran behind our house. I always used to find it peaceful to go down to the edge of the river when I needed time to myself. It had always been hard to find peace in this house.

  As I was waiting for the bartender to prepare my drink, the breeze off the river seemed to ease the heat of this spring day; West Virginia spring was rapidly tipping into summer.

  Emmelie leaned against the bar beside me. “I didn’t get the chance to tell you congratulations earlier.”

  “Thank you,” I said mechanically. Then I added, “You should think about going to the academy yourself.”

  She smiled. “You know that’s not the life I want, Rafe. I’m not sure I could even tolerate being married to a man who lived that life.”

  I nodded without answering. She used to be quite eager to be married with a man who carried the prestige of an Alpha Council appointment. I took the already-sweating crystal glass from the bartender, tucked two dollars into the glass tip jar, and carried my drink toward the house.

  She stopped me with a hand on my arm, the breeze ruffling her long, dark hair. She was as beautiful as ever, with her dark eyes and her pale skin, her red lips that used to whisper into my ear as the two of us lay under the trees down by the river.

  But I only had eyes for one woman now—one impossible but amazing woman.

  “What?” I demanded. I didn’t want Maddie to see me lingering too long with my ex-girlfriend and get the wrong idea.

  “You are being rude,” she told me, her voice warning. “I’m an old friend. Believe me, Rafe, I’m not interested.”

  “Mm-hm.” I took a sip of my bourbon. My experience was that Emmelie was never more interested in someone than when they weren’t interested in her.

  It was when someone cared for her that she didn’t care so well for them.

  “Oh, you’re doing it again,” she said. “I understand why you go gray rock around your family. But with me, Rafe?”

  I hated that she knew what gray rock meant. She’d been around when I first realized that my parents were narcissists.

  Not that the realization had made it any easier as I began to understand they didn’t love me, and they never would, no matter what I did.

  The warm breeze picked up, flinging sand across the deck. Two women with their skirts blowing around their legs hurried into the house. Amateurs. My mother used to hand-sew little weights into the hem of her skirts so there was no chance of the wind interfering with her perfectly polished appearance.

  Emmelie seemed unruffled by the wind, too, even though it blew her hair back from her face. She shifted subtly, so the wind pushed her hair back instead of flinging it into her face.

  I met her gaze evenly. “Why’d you tell Maddie my story?”

  “Why did she listen?” She shrugged, then headed for the house.

  Why did Maddie talk to Emmelie? I’d kept too many secrets from the girl I loved, apparently.

  “Because I’m a terrible boyfriend,” I admitted, more to myself than anyone else.

  Maybe that was part of why I’d kept Maddie at arm’s length all these months. The realization hit me like a brick. Sure, our relationship was forbidden, and I valued the rules—especially the ones intended to protect our cadets from being taken advantage of. But most of all, I’d been safe when there was nothing between us but longing.

  She was afraid she’d make a mistake and I would reject her, but she wasn’t the only one to feel unworthy.

  I headed past a shocked Emmelie into the house, looking for Maddie in the crowd. People kept stopping me to shake my hand or make small talk, and I answered them, trying to be polite. It wasn’t the guests’ fault my parents had invited me here for a party that wasn’t really mine.

  My parents weren’t celebrating my accomplishments. They were just happy I made them look good for once.

  When I couldn’t find Maddie anywhere, tension started to crawl up my spine, even though there was nothing to be afraid of. It wasn’t as if we were on a mission. I didn’t need to worry about her so intensely.

  Once I found her, we were getting out of here. I didn’t know why the hell I’d even agreed to come. I could be with Maddie’s family, getting to know them better—god, the thought of being with someone else’s family hurt right now—instead of here with champagne and canapes and contempt. Or better yet, we could be at Chase’s house right now. The eight of us could be together.

  My dad seemed to materialize out of the crowd, resting his hand on my shoulder. His white-toothed smile split his tanned face, the dramatic laugh lines at the corners of his eyes crinkling. He had to look up just slightly; I was two inch
es taller than he was now. “Son, how are you enjoying the party?”

  “It’s great,” I said. “Unfortunately, we have to leave soon.”

  His dark brows shot up toward his hairline as if he was on the verge of telling me off. Instead, he managed an approximation of a smile that made me think of a snake unhinging its jaw. “Your mother went through a lot of work to put this beautiful party together for you. At least come in the kitchen and tell her thank you.”

  “Of course,” I said.

  I followed him through the crowd, which took a while, since he kept stopping to greet people and I would smile and nod and make small talk. I’d known all these people since I was born. My parents had associates outside the pack, but our friends were all pack.

  “I can’t believe he’d bring that Northsea girl here,” someone muttered in the crowd.

  I turned, searching for them, my hands involuntarily flexing into fists, but I couldn’t pick the speaker out. I had to get her and get out of here.

  We finally made it to the kitchen. My mother leaned against the sink, staring out the window and sipping from a champagne glass.

  “You’ll need to address everyone before you leave,” my father said then. “You’re the guest of honor, after all. You need to thank them for coming.”

  “Am I really?” I muttered under my breath. As soon as I heard my voice, I was embarrassed. I didn’t sound like the grown man I was, not when I was around my parents.

  “What?” Dad demanded.

  Oh, fuck it. I was done being this person. I looked him dead in the eye. “Am I really the guest of the honor?”

  For a few long seconds, my dad just stared at me, a dangerous look coming into his eyes. It was the same look that had predated a few brutal childhood memories, and I tensed. But I could take him now—he should know that damn well.

  “Of course you are,” my mother said smoothly into the heated silence. She put her hand on my father’s forearm, and he finally broke his stare with me to look at her. She smiled at him faintly, then looked at me. “We’re so proud of you, Rafe.”